You’re super-depressed about your 37th-straight Thursday night watching reality TV with your spouse, wearing pajamas, eating gluten-free cookies, and you’ve realized it’s not too late to change

Reasons you should be attending Thursday night’s Start SLC Kick-Off Party, held at the Church & State building in downtown SLC and presented by SLUG Magazine:

  • You’re curious what combination of popped collar and light sweater Beehive Startups own Clint Betts will be wearing.
  • You have a fetish for belly dancers — don’t worry, you are not alone and nobody’s judging.
  • You enjoy watching people use silk scarves in a manner they are definitely NOT created for.
  • You like something called gypsy trip-hop. (I have no idea what it means, but for some reason I’m pumped to find out.)
  • You want to see Salt Lake attorney Stephen Walter hopped-up on no sleep, Mountain Dew, and possibly bagels. Trust me, this alone is worth attendance.
  • You’re excited to show off new EDM dance moves that you learned from a 13-year-old on YouTube. Quick word of advice: if people start laughing, JUST KEEP DANCING. As somebody who has shamed himself numerous times on the dance floor, I draw from a vast well of experience. Remember, there is no failure within the walls of Church & State.
  • You like hanging out with people who wear yellow pants.
  • You’re genuinely interested in seeing how much guacamole the Izeni staff can eat.
  • You love doing weird things in buildings that used to be churchouses.
  • You want to see Clint Betts drink over 200 ounces of Coke in a single night and then fall into a sad, delirious, sugar-induced state.
  • You’re super-depressed about your 37th-straight Thursday night watching reality TV with your spouse, wearing pajamas, eating gluten-free cookies, and you’ve realized it’s not too late to change!
  • You’re a mooch and like attending free events.
  • You aren’t a mooch but realize attending free events is still pretty cool.
  • You want to come give praise for my writing on Beehive Startups.
  • You want to come and say mean, derogatory things face-to-face about my writing on Beehive Startups. If this is your course of action, be warned — I will definitely write an incredibly mean, snarky, rage-driven article about you after StartSLC and possibly post inappropriate images on your Facebook page.
  • You want to forget the fact that this year’s Super Bowl matches the two least-likable teams in the NFL and also nobody in the sports media can stop talking about deflated balls.
  • You want to forget the fact that Mike McCarthy just turned in an anti-coaching performance for the ages or we would have one likable team — and the best one-legged quarterback of all-time — in the Super Bowl.
  • You are a respectable human being and are legitimately interested in the fast-rising Utah startup scene.
  • You want a place to go and talk about Bob Dylan being not only the best musician ever, but also just a cool, bizarre, interesting dude.
  • You like meeting and mingling with people who are much smarter and more successful than you.
  • You are very smart and/or successful and enjoy rubbing everybody’s face in it. (If this applies, just know that we would all do the same in your shoes.) Or you’re smart, successful, and nice, and like giving valuable advice to people who stand where you used to.
  • You’re fed up with watching the Jazz lose every night while the Atlanta Hawks — filled with every Jazz cast-off ever — are currently dousing the NBA with gasoline and lighting a match.
  • You love skiing/snowboarding and realize that just isn’t happening much this year.

If I haven’t covered absolutely every type of person that needs to come to the Start SLC Kick-Off Party, I apologize. All I ask is come join Beehive Startups, SLUG Magazine, Church & State, and many others on Thursday and get weird. For free!

Published 1/26/2015